Anxiety and Attending Events

I’m an introvert who has been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. In the past, and sometimes still today, anxiety has prevented me from living the life I want. Here are some of my suggestions on how to get out the door and get through your first event. It’s targeted more towards munches (which are social gatherings), but it may also be helpful for other events.

Preparing:

If you have already met someone in the community, arrange to go with them or plan to meet them outside at the venue – sometimes that is easier than walking in alone. If not, contact the organizer and let them know that you are new and nervous about attending.  They may offer to meet you at the door and walk you in, or they may offer to introduce you to people so you don’t have to approach people on your own.

Or, if you’d rather be inconspicuous, you can just show up, which is what I did for my first munch. I lasted about half an hour, but I met my goal of just getting there. If all you can do the first time is arrive and stand outside the venue, that’s fine. No one needs to even know! Next time it will probably be easier to walk through the door. (This approach is similar to exposure therapy, or conditioning.)

I find visualization really helpful when going to a new place. Look up the venue using Google maps and look at the street view if available so you can see what the building looks like. Look at the venue’s website. If you’re driving or taking public transit by yourself, plan out your route. Read the event’s description, is there a dress code? If it’s a play party, what are the rules, and will you be ok with the type of play that may happen? If you have any questions, especially if there are things which are triggers for you, contact the organizer. The more prepared I feel ahead of time, the easier it is for me to relax and enjoy myself.

Set reasonable and realistic expectations: what would you like to achieve by attending the event – get out of the house? Meet new people? Find a partner? Leave with someone and have hot kinky sex? While not impossible, the last two are not likely to happen, and that’s ok.

While you’re there:

Sometimes worrying about having a panic attack can in itself trigger a panic attack. Mindfulness, the non-judgmental focus of one’s attention on the emotions, thoughts and sensations occurring in the present moment, is an effective coping skill. Focus on the moment (you’re there!), be present and don’t worry about how the experience will affect you in the future (which you can neither predict nor control). Separate perception from fact. Observe without judgement. You may hear or see things that are new to you. Process that later once you’ve had a chance to reflect.

One thing I often hear from new people is that it’s difficult to mingle and converse when there seems to be established groups of people. Don’t let that deter you. I personally am terrible at chit-chat and will freely admit that I do not how to have a conversation with someone I’ve just met. Think of something neutral to talk about (“How was your summer?”, “Have you seen any good movies lately?”) to get the ball rolling.

If you do find yourself feeling uncomfortable, are fighting a panic attack, or if you’ve had enough and are feeling mentally drained (which happened to me), leave. You needn’t stay for the full duration.

Afterwards:

Congratulate yourself for getting out there! It’s a big step, but don’t rush into anything.  Having made it through your first event may not mean that you’re ready, or should feel the need, to go to all the things.

Reflect on your emotions – what are you feeling, and why? Do some research if you feel inclined – it may relieve some trepidation, or maybe you’ll come across something new you’d like to try! (Remember: your kink is not my kink, and my kink is not your kink, and that’s ok.) If you met someone with whom you clicked or who made you feel welcome, you can send them a message (no pressure!), even if just to say “thanks!” or “it was nice to meet you!”. Who knows, maybe you’re now on your way to making some new friends.