Should a Dom Know More About a Submissive

Q: I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my Master for three months, and have been frustrated because I feel like I don’t really have a clear idea of who my Sir is. He comes across as very guarded, and doesn’t often share his real personal life details with me. Meanwhile, he wants to know details about my day and life, and requires me to text him throughout the day to tell him what is going on. Is it normal for the Master or Dom to know more about their submissive than the submissive to know about their Master/Dom? – Asked by XTinaB through our Kinky Q & A form here

A: Thanks for your question! Long distance relationships are difficult, and sometimes they do feel very one-sided. Sometimes that’s justified, and other times it’s something that we feel because we really only get to see our side of the relationship clearly!

Personally, I’d be a bit concerned if your Sir isn’t willing to share details of his personal life, but expects you to share those things with him. A Master/slave or Dominant/submissive relationship can be very intimate, but intimacy is only possible with transparency and communication. It could be that he’s just not great with intimacy, or it could be that there is a reason he doesn’t want you to be involved in his personal life. My suggestion would be to ask him why he doesn’t share a more personal view of his life. If you’re working towards a serious relationship, rather than just online fun, then it’s a worthwhile relationship to have sooner, rather than later.

I don’t want to plant doubts in your head, but there are a few reasons he could be reacting this way.

First, he could feel that if you saw a true picture of his life you’d respect him less as a Dominant. He could feel that giving you that view would take away some of the mystique. There’s actually some validity there. Life is full of curveballs, and sometimes Dominants worry that if a submissive sees them struggling it could cause them to question the Doms strength or ability to be a firm leader.

There is also a possibility that your Dominant views you as fulfilling a very specific role (the D/s aspect) and wants to keep it compartmentalized from the rest of his life. Reasons for that could vary anywhere from just having very specific ideas of what D/s is, having only so much time and energy to devote to D/s, or even that it’s part of a double life they are living. If that’s the case, you need to examine whether or not you are okay with containing that relationship to only your D/s needs, or whether you want something more.

The key here is to communicate your frustration or insecurities that is a result of his refusal to share personal details. He may not even realize that he’s being so guarded, and discussing it might cause him to open up. Honestly, growing together and developing that intimacy is a HUGE part of the fun and appeal of kinky relationships!

Have a question about kink or sex? Go ahead and ask it, and we’ll answer it in an upcoming post!