How to be a Good Dom(me)

I was recently asked to give someone tips on how to become a good Dom. I figured a note was in order. Let me preface it by saying that I’m not claiming I’m the best Dom in the world, but I’ve learned a lot since I started this journey and don’t mind sharing my thoughts on this topic. For the purpose of the writing please read “Dom” as “dominant” not as an indicator of gender of the dominant.

Doms are not always right

Pretending you are even when you aren’t just makes you look like an idiot. Doing this publicly also makes your sub look like an idiot by association if she agrees.

You can always learn

You don’t know everything. Don’t be afraid to learn from other Doms/Dommes and even submissives. Yes, you can learn from the opposite sex, and from people who fill other roles. Take in as much information as you can. Learn from people in your local community, people here on FetLife, and from other resources (there’s some great books about kink out there!). The moment you believe you know it all is the moment you start to spew shit from your mouth.

Practice responsibility

Show that you’re responsible in your own life, before trying to be responsible for another’s.

Keep an open mind

Listen to your sub’s opinion. Hear what your sub has to say, and allow it to sway your opinions on things. I expect my sub to bring information to my attention, even if it contradicts my opinion. That allows me to not make a complete ass of myself, and allows me to make sure her opinions are heard. My decision doesn’t always change based on my sub’s opinion, but it does allow me to make fully informed decisions.

Communicate non-stop

Check in with your sub regularly if you want to have a healthy relationship. Have open discussions where they can speak their mind. Doing so allows you to release any resentment that might be building and discover new needs and desires. Communication is a two-way street, so be prepared to share some deep dark thoughts if you want to hear some from your sub.

Your sub is valuable

You’re better off building your sub up, than tearing them down. I don’t believe that you need to “break” a sub in order to shape them into what you want. It’s a lot less work to shape a block of stone that already looks vaguely like the Statue of David than to start carving it out of a mountain. Remind your sub that they are important to you daily, especially after you treat them brutally and call them horrible names.

Always strive for improvement

My personal quest is to always strive to improve my sub’s life as well as my own. We should both become better and stronger people as our relationship grows and as time passes. If we aren’t learning daily, we’re doing it wrong.

Never act out of anger

Anger is a natural response at times, however, you should not lash out at your sub while angry. Take time to step back, think clearly, and cool down. You don’t always need to have a quick response. Usually you’ll be respected more by your sub if you take the time to process things and respond calmly. When it comes to punishing/correcting a sub, you’re far better off taking time for you both to reflect on things than to rush into punishment. Rushing usually means you’re looking for revenge, rather than hoping to correct bad behaviour. I’d rather have a sub that submits to be because she respects my thought process than because she is afraid of my anger.

The best way to correct is to force introspection

When your sub disappoints you, make sure they spend time trying to understand their actions and why their actions disappointed you. The sub that craves your happiness will think about what happened until they understand what they did wrong, and resolve to keep from disappointing you in the same way again.

Punishment should fit the crime

If your sub needs to be punished, ensure that the punishment is combined with introspection. Also, make sure that it is not an enjoyable punishment. For instance, if your sub enjoys a good spanking…then maybe spanking isn’t a good way to punish them.

Reward good behaviour

You’re far better off rewarding good behaviour than only punishing bad behaviour. Punishing usually results in a depressed sub, while rewarding makes them happy. You want a happy sub…trust me on that.

Listen to your sub’s needs

Their needs are more important than your wants. Ask them about their needs and wants regularly.

Remember that trust must be built

Trust is required on both sides of a D/s relationship, and takes time and effort to build. You can build more trust with effort than with mere passage of time, however. D/s relationships are progressive. You start out with a level of trust, and your actions will cause that trust to go either up or down. The more trust you have, the more extreme your play can be…the more you can explore and know that you’ll still have a good foundation of trust to rely on.

Make your dynamic your own

This is not Gor nor 50 Shades of Grey. Construct a framework for your dynamic that works for you and your partner. Don’t try to copy fiction, or other people’s relationships. As humans we are all slightly different, and need to keep that in mind when we lay down the groundwork for our relationships. Feel free to learn from others, but do not allow anyone to tell you exactly how you should live your D/s life.

Change together

If you are training your sub, you must also work on bettering yourself. You’re in this journey together, and at some point your sub will probably utter the words “Why am I the only one who has to change?” unless you’re both trying to become better partners. Explore new things together whenever possible.

Don’t go to bed angry

No matter what is going on in your life, talk through things. The moment you allow your anger to separate yourself and your partner is the moment your relationship begins to die. If you’re angry, take a quick drive or jog around the block to think clearly and identify why you are angry. Tell your partner how long you will be gone, and make sure you don’t keep them waiting. Return to your partner, tell them that you care about them (utter the L word if you do), and tell them that you want to resolve the issue. Talk, think, and talk more until you do, or until you realize that small disagreements don’t matter as long as you can still love the person and know they still love you. When I’ve done this, I’ve always found that my relationship is stronger coming out of a fight than when we went into it. It’s kind of cool seeing that happen.

Push yourself to forgive

No one is without fault. Forgiveness is a great thing, as long as you really mean it. Don’t hold your capacity to forgive over your partners head in the future…that’s not forgiveness…that’s extortion. Both parties should take the opportunity to learn from mistakes. If you do that, you can become much stronger as a couple despite whatever the incident was.

Keep things fun

Make life an adventure. Find ways to surprise and delight your partner whenever you can.

Enjoy every moment

The good. The Bad. Enjoy it all. Tough times happen in life, and help us appreciate those good moments even more.