Kinky Q & A (November 26, 2014)

Dear Kinkster,

Lately I’ve been thinking about consent and consent violations and if I inadvertently did something I wasn’t supposed to.  Let  me explain. I played with a new partner at a public venue not too long ago, and thought we had negotiated every detail before I put her up on the cross.  Everything was going well, she seemed to be enjoying my style of impact play, and I continuously checked in with her to ensure she was ok.  At one of these check in moments, I gently stroked her back, and instinctively reached around to her breast to do the same.  When I had her affirmation that she was ok, I went back to flogging her.   When our scene was done, we sat and discussed how we both felt about it, what she liked/didn’t like and what, if anything, would she like to do in the future.  It wasn’t until afterwards, as I was reviewing the scene alone in my head that I realized we had only negotiated impact on her back/buttocks area and, that maybe, by touching her breast I actually went against her wishes and broke our consensual agreement!  This has been haunting me ever since, and I want to know for sure so that I can apologize if I screwed up.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I’m going to be straight up with you ~ you violated her consent, by all accounts of your scene.  Now go apologize.

OR

You can contact her and tell her what’s been on your mind to open a discussion about it.  It’s quite possible you did, and then again, maybe you didn’t.  The only two who know for sure are you and your bottom.

Consent and consent violation is a hot button for most people in the BDSM lifestyle.  There have been many, many articles written about it by long-time lifers, and by those who have at one time or another felt they have been violated.  There are clear black & white lines that don’t get crossed, and then there seem to be grey ones, depending on who you ask (consensual non-consensual players).  My point Anonymous is, get the facts straight about the ins and outs of proper consent conversations/negotiations, inform yourself up the wazoo about what your bottom’s boundaries are and, if you do feel you’ve crossed them during your play, either call red immediately and talk about it (especially if you’ve noticed your bottom just noticed) or have a conversation about it immediately after your scene has ended.  Either way, you want to let others know that YOU know you’ve crossed the line and willing to acknowledge it by bringing it up first.

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