Kinky Q&A – My Girlfriend Read ’50 Shades of Grey’

Q: My girlfriend read ’50 Shades of Grey’, and said she wants me to spice things up in the bedroom. I really don’t know what to do to make her happy, but I care about her so I have to try. Can you give me some tips?

A: Believe it or not, you aren’t alone! This is a pretty common question these days as the popularity of the books has peaked, and the ’50 Shades’ movie release is only weeks away.

Unfortunately, I can’t give you a quick ‘Here is what you need to do to her’ answer. Doing so would likely ensure you fell flat on your face as soon as you used all of the material I gave you, and didn’t know where to go next. She’d quickly bore of you doing the same things over and over again.

Instead, I recommend that you start out by talking to her, and actually listening to her. Ask her why she enjoys the books. Is it because she’s turned on by the idea of her partner taking control? Is it because she thinks some of the acts portrayed in the books (or movie) are sexy? Is it because she thinks your sex life is stagnant and she’s just hoping to break that cycle? Is it because she thinks YOU would enjoy doing those things? Is it because she feels she has a submissive (or even dominant) side?

Once you have an idea of what her motivation is, find out what YOUR motivation is. Are YOU turned on by the thought of rough sex or power exchange role play? Do you have a dominant side that you’d like to explore? Are you just wanting to make her happy? Those are all valid thoughts to have, and you should probably take some time to reflect on your own reasons for exploring kink before charging in head first.

Next, take a bit of time to educate. Recall your discussion with her about what she enjoyed in the books, and use sites like OntarioKink.com and FetLife.com to learn as much as you can about those topics. Some are fairly straightforward, while others are quite complex (for instance, those rope bondage suspension pictures you’ve likely seen). Almost all aspects of kink involve an element of risk, however, so you need to be responsible and learn how to minimize that risk and discuss that risk with your partner to make sure she understands and is willing to accept that risk. As the dominant partner, make sure you both have discussed areas you’d like to explore, and areas you’d like to set as ‘hard limits’ that will not be explored. Also take some time to talk about consent, and make sure your partner is aware of their right to withdraw their consent at any time by using a safeword, such as by saying ‘red’.

One common theme that submissive people tend to enjoy is the idea of having their movements restricted through bondage. That might be a safe area to start out, and you can do so fairly inexpensively. Through a bit of research on rope, and some trial and error, you can find some rope and rope tying techniques that will allow you to restrict your partners movements while you do other things to delight yourselves!

While your partner is bound you can spank them, tickle them, massage them, fuck them, or torture them in other sexy ways!

You can also purchase some other fairly inexpensive things such as a ball gag, handcuffs (purchase two sets so you have more options and wear the key at all times while playing), a slapper or crop (you can even buy the latter at a tack shop), or even candles (stay away from beeswax, and always test the heat tentatively before playing in earnest).

The important thing is to channel your dominant side, if you have one. It may take a bit of work to pull that side out and nurture it. If you’re feeling unsure about whether or not you’re doing things she enjoys, talk about it!

If you feel you don’t have a dominant side, talk about that too! You might be able to compromise by learning how dominants usually act within scenes, you could decide to switch roles from time to time, or you might even decide to explore your kinky options with others whom fall naturally into the dominant and submissive roles.

You might also find great value in joining FetLife.com and interacting with your local kink community through ‘munches’ (meet and greets) or fetish parties. You can read more about what to expect at those events here and here. They are a great way to benefit from the knowledge of others, and it’s always great to know you share a common interest with others!

If you’re on the submissive side of things, you might find this post about tips for submissives helpful!