Red Flags

Meeting new people is great, but of course carries some risks. Many people have warning bells that go off in their heads when a situation isn’t feeling right, but not everyone’s alarm system works well. I thought it would be a good idea to share some of the warning signs that I’ve noticed over the past few years. Keep in mind that just because you notice someone sending out one or two of the below warning signs does not mean that the person is necessarily a predator…but you should certainly exercise caution. Please feel free to suggest “red flags” to be added to the list!

Red Flags:

1) Person does not have many local friends listed on their FetLife friends list. This often means that the person is not a member of their local community. If the person does have local friends, send a few of their friends a message asking for more information!

2) Person gets angry when you ask for references (people that know them and have seen them play). Most kinksters understand that this is a normal part of meeting new people, and won’t be offended by the request. Keep in mind that when you ask for references, the person will likely only direct you to people that they know will give a stellar review. This is why it’s always good to learn who is heavily involved in the local scene and ask those people for more information about the person you intend to meet.

3) Person is hesitant to meet in a public place such as a mall or munch. Munches are a safe place to meet someone for the first time, but known predators tend to stay away from munches because we tend to not put up with their bullshit. You’ve been told since you were a child that there is safety in numbers, and that’s a great reason to make a munch or other public place your meet-up location.

4) Person claims that they are not involved with the local scene because all of the local kinksters are “posers”. In Niagara especially, nothing could be further from the truth. We have some amazingly talented folks in our midst, many of which live the lifestyle 24/7. Someone making this claim is usually insecure and either doesn’t want you to find out that the community knows about them, or they just don’t want you to having anything to compare them to.

5) Avoids talking about personal details. Relationships are give and take…if you want to ask questions, you need to be willing to provide answers as well. Some people are exploring kink outside of a relationship, and may be lying to both you and their partner. They’ll do everything they can to keep a lot of separation between their kink life and vanilla life. Keep in mind that not everyone is “out” about being kinky, so this is something that’s actually common among people who are involved in the kink community. Everyone has a right to their own privacy, but it can be difficult to build trust without personal info to use as a cornerstone.

6) Person tries to limit your contact with friends, family, or other kinksters. This is a huge red flag, and one you must pay careful attention to. No one should ever separate you from friends or family, unless those people pose a clear danger to you. When it comes to kinksters, I often hear that the dominant just “doesn’t want outside interference in the beginning stages of a relationship”. This person clearly believes you can be very easily manipulated by others, and that alone should be a red flag…chances are that’s why they’ve zeroed in on YOU! In reality, you can learn a lot about yourself and the lifestyle by associating with other kinksters either online or at a munch. An extension of this one is the monitoring of communication by checking email/text/FL/phone records. It shows the person doesn’t trust you at the very least, and it’s damned near impossible to trust someone who doesn’t also trust you.

7) Places blame on others. How can someone be responsible for you if they aren’t even responsible for their own actions?

8) Person asks why no one is “Protecting” you. This one is starting to happen a lot here on FetLife. One of the relationship options allows you to note who you are being protected by. Some predators like to prey on newbies by expressing concern that the newbie is not safe unless they have someone protecting them. The person then generally offers to “protect” or “mentor” the newbie so that they will be safe. There’s certainly some great mentors out there, but you always need to do background checks to determine whether or not the person is trying to use you.

9) Person tells you that you don’t need a “safe word”. Safe words are always a good idea, especially if you don’t know the person you’re playing with very well.

10) Person belittles you or punishes you for refusing to do something that you aren’t comfortable with, for using a safe word, or sharing your opinion. This is not healthy behaviour. Often they employ guilt in an effort to manipulate you into doing something you didn’t want to do. For instance, the person might say that you’re not a “true” sub/slave since because you were uncomfortable.

11) Person exhibits signs of an out of control temper.

12) Person tells you that as a submissive you do not have the right to set limits or negotiate. In order for any type of relationship to work there needs to be clear communication about boundaries.

13) Person refuses to discuss accusations rationally. Perhaps you read something about someone here on FetLife, and decide to ask the person about it (which is a great idea btw). If you’re told “They don’t know what they’re talking about”, “They’ve hated me for years”, “Those who actually know me, like me”, or “I don’t know anything about it”…well that’s a red flag. Keep asking members of the community questions so that you can get a more complete picture of the person. Where there is smoke, there’s usually fire. That being said…just because you hear that someone is “unsafe” or “doesn’t know what they’re doing” doesn’t mean it’s true. At some point, everyone will have a scene that didn’t go exactly like they expected…perhaps something wasn’t properly negotiated, a trigger (a reaction usually caused by past trauma) was discovered, or there may have even been an equipment malfunction. The key is that a good play partner will use those mistakes as a learning experience. Ask about the particulars rather than just taking a claim at face value.

14) Person tells you that sex and kink always go together. It only does if YOU want it to. There are MANY kinky folks out there that do not combine sex and kink.

15) Person claims that all females (or males) submit to them…and you should too.