Aftercare is Important, People!
Aftercare is the one thing that can make or break an experience for me. An otherwise beautifully crafted and executed scene, by an amazing and skilled Dom(me) can be tainted in my memory when the proper care has not been administered afterwards. I have had it happen. Many times.
Improper aftercare can leave us feeling unfulfilled, uncared for, and cause sub/Top drop to set in quicker and harder. This can bring feelings of depression, flat emotions, anxiety, tears, lethargy, and much more. Sub/Top drop is very different for each person and can last anywhere from an hour to a week or two. Every person is affected completely differently.
To avoid this outcome, three things are important: knowledge of what you need to feel cared for after a scene, the ability to communicate that to your play partner and a play partner who is willing to engage in your care.
Knowing what you need can take some time and a very patient play partner. The only real way to figure out what brings you comfort and makes you feel cared for after play is to try a bunch of things out. For some of us, water, chocolate and a little cuddle does the trick. Some people need to talk about the play and dissect it. Some people need a warm blanket, a stuffed animal, sugar or juice, comfortable clothing, no clothing, silence, music, sex… It goes on and on. That is the hardest part for me, figuring out exactly what I need.
Communication is a whole other beast. For some reason, we feel completely comfortable asking people to engage in risky play that can have a huge impact on our pysches and bodies, but we feel strange asking for them to show that they care about us afterwards. And this goes for Tops as well as bottoms! In this arena, I think that Tops are silenced even more than bottoms, wishing to convey an image of infallibility. I truly recommend adding into your negotiations about play some time to talk about aftercare. What both parties need and how to navigate with each other after play. It can be hard to begin the discussion, but the rewards are worth overcoming any feelings of awkwardness.
If your Top or bottom is not receptive to your aftercare needs, or for some reason cannot meet them, you really only have three choices. You can find someone who is willing to give you the care you need after you have played with someone else (a friend or a different partner) or you can choose not to play with that person. Self care is an option – providing all the comfort and physical needs for yourself. I don’t find this effective for me, but many people are able to take care of their own aftercare. I do not recommend self care to people who are new to BDSM and kink.
I know that there are a lot of writings about aftercare on Fetlife but I am not sure the importance of it can be stressed enough. Aftercare should be an active part of your play. It shouldn’t be an afterthought, or an inconvenience. It should be enjoyable and connected and a safe space to come down from play. It is a chance to reconnect with your play partner and bask in the incredible play you both just engaged in. It is a great time for feedback and reassurance. Enjoy it!
One small rant, to end this note off:
Do not disturb people when they are engaging in aftercare. Keep in mind that all aftercare looks different. For me, having a smoke and a bottle of water with my play partner after a scene is aftercare. Unless I engage with you, please just leave me alone. And by no means should you be touching someone after they have played! Many of us are in a lot of pain after playing and things like hugs can be very taxing and cause us more pain. You can cause damage to people and their head spaces if you interrupt or block aftercare in any way. So pay attention to who is just coming off of play equipment and give them a wide birth unless they engage with you first! /rant
Be safe and respectful when you and others play, friends! You don’t know what kind of damage can be caused by improper aftercare, or interrupted aftercare!
I am a new sub and experiencing sub drop for the first time. It is trynifeirg and I feel your dom SHOULD be there whether they are permanent or a temp because I agree that part of the play is the care the sub will and should receive afterwards. The sub just did their part in the agreements, making themselves vulnerable to another human being and the LEAST a dom could do is be there for the emotional aftermath they created.I am lucky that my dom is my teacher, my mentor and my guide through my first dom/sub relationship and is walking me through everything and asking how I feel. When I mentioned this morning about my fears, insecurity, exhaustion, feeling on the verge of crying, shame, he was there to comfort me and even made me laugh.I still feel down which is to be excepted but I know I would be worse if he wasn’t here to guide me. It would be nicer if he could physically be here but unfortunately he can’t and he is doing what he can to help.That is what I feel a dom should be like and what I have come to understand what a dom is suppose to do from what I have read about dom/sub relationship.It is not hard for the temp dom to offer their number to the sub incase they need to talk to them to get through the sub drop.I do not think there isn’t any excuses for abandoning someone who put themselves in such a position when a dom knows the risk of a sub drop after play.Ya, I am being a bit rough but I am kind of a dom too and in a sub drop so my emotions are raw… submitting doesn’t come easy to everyone, don’t take advantage of it.