Monogamy Versus Non-monogamy

It seems the ever-debated subject is that of non-monogamy and the desire “to-be-or-not-to-be”. As someone who is deeply entrenched in the polyamorous community, it’s a conversation I partake in often with those pondering this question.

I think it’s misunderstood or assumed that because someone is non-monogamous they carry a belief that monogamy is unattainable, unrealistic, wrong, defective, ________ (fill in your own negative judgement here). I’d like to clear the air…

Monogamy as a relationship structure and philosophy is not wrong.

Non-monogamy as a relationship structure and philosophy is not wrong.

Neither of these is better than the other. They are simply two basic options offered to us and can look as complex as we’d like them to.

However, and this is where it can get tricky, one of these things can be wrong for you as an individual. Figuring this out can take a lot of trial and error but hey, that’s what we’re here for — to have experiences, learn from them, gravitate towards more of the great ones and develop behaviours to avoid the crappy ones in the future. Or at least that’s the ideal.

You may claim to be one or the other yet display behaviours which are contrary to the philosophy and yes, that is also wrong. This can manifest in many ways and for many different reasons but more often than not fear is at the core. Fear to live authentically, fear to ask for what we want, fear of rejection/abandonment, fear of the unknown, etc. An example of this could be someone who claims to be monogamous but who regularly indulges in extra-marital affairs behind their partners back. The appearance of monogamy does not ensure actual monogamy.

My goal when having these conversations is to break down the social construct that monogamy is the only valid option. Certainly monogamy appears to be the choice of many but how many people are only doing so because this is what has been dictated since they were children? How many believe monogamy is the only right structure? I know I did for a long time and I can’t even imagine what my life would be like had other options been afforded to me earlier.

The idea of monogamy as the default is what I’d like to cease.

In my mind exists a utopia of Authentic Relationships, ones where we’re free to actually talk about what we want, why we want it and also leave space for these things to change over time. Right now, I wholeheartedly embrace the philosophy of polyamory. It is bringing beautiful people and wonderful, challenging experiences to my life. But I don’t reject the notion or possibility that one day I may become emotionally and/or sexually exclusive with one partner. I can’t picture what that may look like and it seems like a foreign concept to the present me but it’s also a fact that the things that motivate me today are not the things that motivated me two or ten years ago.

If your ideals are more closely aligned with monogamy, congratulations — figuring that shit out is difficult. Now own it! Go out into the world with confidence and behave in a way that’s in line with those ideals.

If your ideals are more closely aligned with non-monogamy, guess what — the advice is still the same as above!

Relationships are hard work regardless of the structure we choose to frame them in. If you think one structure is easier than the other, that may just be an indicator to which way you’re leaning but it doesn’t absolve you from ever having to put in effort.

There is still work to be done though. While the basic premise of monogamy is to be exclusive to one romantic partner, there are some nuances that need to be discussed. Non-monogamy also manifests in many different forms and it is your responsibility, and in your best interest, to identify all the subheadings and figure out what best fits in with your desires and goals.

As human beings looking to have positive experiences in our lives, it’s important to question ourselves, our societal dictated morals and our self-governed standards. I want compatible people in my life and in closing, I’ll leave you with this article from Reid Mihalko on the seemingly simple but often complex idea of Dating Your Species.

Go forth and be kind to one another, whether monogamous or not — we’re more alike than we think we are. Let’s stop focusing on our differences.

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