The Great Washroom Debate

I noticed, at a party I went to recently, that there were new signs near the washrooms, asking people to please use the facilities associated with their biological gender.  I was floored!  I mean truly shocked to see this kind of intolerance at a kink/fetish play party!  Are they talking about just cross dressers?  What about people who live as the opposite gender all the time but weren’t born that way and haven’t transitioned yet?  What about people who have transitioned but weren’t biologically born the gender they present?

A person who identifies as cis-gendered and never struggles with the day-to-day difficulties of being born one gender but identifying as another, might ask, “What the fuck does it matter?” Or simply think, “Boys use the boys room and girls use the girls room!”  But gender is never that simple, particularly in our very open BDSM community where we encourage people to be exactly who they are and express exactly what they feel.

This sign seems like such a small thing but what is it communicating to the people attending the party?   The short answer is cis-gendered privilege.  This sign says that it is more important for people who identify as cis-gendered to be comfortable than for those who are genderfluid, genderqueer or transgendered.  Non-gendered washrooms and articles about them have been cropping up over the past year.  As a community we need to ask ourselves why we are becoming more scaled back on the fight against gender normativity when the rest of the world is finally starting to catch up?

Let’s take a moment and unpack the issue.

First, we all use the washroom.  We all defecate, urinate, pass gas, belch and vomit, the exact same!  It doesn’t matter what gender you were born as, what gender you are perceived as or what gender you identify as:  we all do the same damn things in the washroom.  So the issue cannot be that someone could be exposed to something uncomfortable or different than they would normally encounter in a washroom.

Second, the location is a kink/fetish party.  We are all walking around with our genitals and bodies exposed to varying degrees.  So the issue cannot be that there is sensitivity to genitals, nudity or exposed skin in front of all differently identified genders.  It also seems unlikely that the issue could be that people don’t want to be exposed to other people’s kinks.  Because, I mean, come on…. It’s a kink party!

Third, as a community we are overexposed to different gender expressions online and at munches and parties.  We read writings on gender issues, we see pictures of crossdressers, even pictures of transformations by transgender friends.  We kinksters are not strangers to variance in gender expression.  So the issue can’t be a lack of knowledge of transgender issues, can it?

Taking all of this into account, the decision to enforce gendered washrooms seems strange and out of place in our community.  It should be that the kink and fetish community would be the perfect place for people to be free to be exactly who they are, without judgement.  BDSM parties should be the one place that we are all free from the restraints of gendered thinking.

I am not saying it is easy to ignore and abandon all the societal norms that we have been spoonfed from birth.  However, for those of us who come to the table with open minds about gender and sexuality, isn’t it our duty to keep trying to effect change and fight against those societal norms that trap us?  After all, this type of thing is a slippery slope! What if we applied it to sexuality?  Would you ever ask a gay woman to stop using the girls’ bathroom?  Or a gay man to not urinate at the urinals?  Those questions would be considered anti-gay and railed against.  So why are transgendered issues treated differently?

But what do we do about these things when they crop up?

I think we need to hold event organizers and each other accountable and engage in the process of tolerance and acceptance, rather than just adhering to rules that have no reasonable basis.  Ask why a new rule is in place?  What function does it serve?  We need to question our own conceptions of gender and analyse why we would let this happen on our watch.

Because really, transgender people deal with enough transphobia out in the world.  People do not need to be objectified and marginalized in the spaces that are supposed to be safe.  And we can’t know people’s hearts.  If a biologically born man really feels like a woman, is it our place to tell them that they don’t?  Or that we care so little about their feelings that we are unwilling to support them?

glbtq.com defines “transgender” as an umbrella term representing a political alliance between all gender variant people who do not conform to social norms for typical men and women and who suffer political oppression as a result.  Difference needs to be celebrated and we need to be at the forefront of that!  Kinksters must lead by example if we truly hope for tolerance from others.