Tips for Dominants

Whether you’re new to kink, or have been involved in kinky play and relationships before there are some things you should take into consideration. Below are some tips for dominants that you can use to safely navigate in this erotic world!

Consent is key. Without consent, you are not engaging in BDSM. At that point, it’s simply abusive behaviour or assault. If you make sure that you have your partners explicit consent, a whole world of erotic possibilities open up, and you can experience the most fulfilling relationship(s) of your life! Remember that consent can also be withdrawn at any time, and when it is you need to respect that decision and cease whatever activity you are engaging in. When it boils down to it, it’s awesome to have a partner that truly enjoys the types of play you engage in! If they do, they’ll be more likely to want to explore other things with you!

When it comes to consent, remember that only ‘Yes’ means yes! You and your partner(s) should discuss the types of play you’re interested in and decided what you’d like to explore together. When it comes to consent, it’s never a bad idea to have consent in written format. Emails, text messages, social media private messages…those all are good ways to protect yourself in the off chance that a relationship turns sour and accusations are thrown around.

Negotiate EVERYTHING. We really can’t stress this enough. It goes hand in hand with consent. It’s important to realize that just because you have consent for a certainly sexual act or type of play (flogging, wax play, etc) doesn’t mean that it’s okay to just spring anything on your partner. Doing that could mean that you wind up in hot water, either by destroying the trust that is so important in kinky relationships, or even with the authorities. Ask your partner what types of play they are interested in, and what types of play they are not interested in. Ask them what their hard limits are, and be sure to respect them. Ask if they have any known triggers that might cause the experience to turn from good to bad suddenly.

Communicate clearly, and often. Communication is the key to any successful relationship. Getting feedback from your partner allows you to tailor scenes to their liking, and will likely lead to new avenues of exploration. Sometimes when people have an experience they didn’t enjoy, they realize there is something else they would like to try! Talk to your partner before the scene as you negotiate it, keep that dialogue open during the scene if possible (even asking ‘Do you like that slut?!’ can provide useful feedback, and even enhance the mood), and check in again immediately following, and in the days after your scene.

Provide ‘aftercare’. The types of play that you engage in can be wonderful, but they are often very intense and can cause both your body, and (likely more noticeably) your partner’s body to react in sometimes unpredictable ways. Most types of play really get the endorphines and adrenaline rushing, which means that the person will experience a natural ‘high’. The flipside of that is that your partner will likely come down from that high and and feel quite low. Some types of play also cause the bottom/submissive to feel a bit of mental conflict. For instance, a consensual scene involving spanking or face slapping might cause them to ponder questions such as ‘Why would someone that cares about me enjoy hurting me?’

Understand the difference between hurt, and harm. We’re all raised not to hurt our fellow man (and extra emphasis is usually placed on never hurting a woman), but its important to remember that some people enjoy experiencing pain. They may crave the ‘hurt’ they experience when being spanked or slapped. However, there is a big difference between ‘hurt’ and ‘harm’. We must all take care not to cause any lasting damage or harm to our play partners. This means that we need to protect them by playing within their safe physical and mental limits. The goal is usually to leave your partner stronger than they were when your relationships began!

Mistakes WILL happen. I know you’re probably thinking that everything will be okay because you know what you’re doing. Well, even the most experienced kinksters still make mistakes from time to time. It could be a seemingly innocent consent violation like forgetting to discuss the knife you wanted to involve in your scene, a blunder that made the scene unsafe, or even forgetting your responsibility to provide aftercare. These things happen, and when they do you should own your mistake. Admit it to your partner, apologize, and make sure to learn from the experience. Making mistakes doesn’t make you a bad Dominant…failing to learn from your mistakes will! Since kink relationships rely so heavily on trust, pretending the mistake didn’t ever happen or wasn’t a big deal is a good way to end the trust that your play partner has in you!

Have ‘safecalls’ in place. If you’re just meeting someone for the first (or first few times), it’s a really good idea to ask your partner to have a safecall in place (as well as having one yourself). Asking them to arrange a safecall is a great way to show them that you care about their safety. For more on safecalls, please read this post.

Do NOT play privately until you have developed a strong relationship with your partner. Trust is intrinsic in kink relationships, and you need to develop that trust before putting yourself in a potentially compromising situation. Since as a top/Dominant you might be doing things that the law would frown upon in non-consensual situations, its very important to make sure that your play begins in a way that keeps you both safe. Play parties are a great place to play in the presence of other kinksters, and with ‘Dungeon Monitors’ or ‘Play Monitors’ nearby who can be witness to the scene, and also be there to assist in an emergency.

If you’re planning on playing with someone, or are exploring kink with your partner you might want to ask them to read this similar post geared towards submissives/bottoms.