Tips for Newbies

Welcome! If you’re new to kink, this site has everything you need to begin exploring this new world of seemingly infinite possibilities!

Whether you read a book with fetish or BDSM overtones (like 50 Shades of Grey for instance), stumbled across a porn website showing dominance and submission, or had a discussion with a partner where they revealed that they had a fetish…you’ve come to the right place!

There are a few things you should keep in mind while diving into this new adventure!

Kink is all about consent. You and your partner(s) want to explore all of the fabulous fetishes and relationships dynamics that are out there, but consent must be first and foremost as you do! Consent goes hand in hand with the second most important thing to keep in mind…

Communicate thoroughly. Discuss your desires with your partner and work together to bring each others fantasies to reality! During the scene you can communicate how you are enjoying the experience, and doing that gives your partner of what activities do to more, or less of. Don’t stop the dialogue there, however! After your scene, discuss the experience. Talk about what worked, what didn’t, and how you’d like the experience to change next time! It’s usually wise to discuss this within the first few hours following the scene, as well as a few days later!

Enjoy diving into the kink ‘pool’, but don’t dive in blindly! Kink, just like diving into unknown water, can be extremely dangerous. There is an element of risk to almost every type of play we engage in.  Take the time to research the things you’d like to try! Read about them online, order a book or two on the subject, or preferably learn about it from someone who has experience with the type of play that you’re interested in! Here in Ontario we’re pretty lucky to have a well developed kink ‘community’. There are thousands of kinksters throughout the province that attend events called ‘munches’ and ‘play parties’, and chatting with some of them is a great way to gain experience! Trust me…it’s pretty awesome to be able to talk about kink with other people without having to worry about being judged for your desires.

Don’t get overwhelmed! When you first discover kink, you might find that you’re extremely excited to try EVERYTHING. ALL AT ONCE. That’s pretty natural, but fight that instinct to go full throttle and explore slowly.  Start in the shallow end and work your way up to the deep end!

Don’t jump right into a Master/slave relationship with someone prematurely.  Sure, I get it…we live in a fast-paced world where online dating and texting have changed the way we meet people and communicate, but we still need to take time to slow down and smell the roses. Taking things slowly will help to prevent you from getting into a relationship with someone that isn’t a good match for you. Remember that in D/s (Dominant/submissive) and M/s (Master/slave) relationships there can be some fairly strict ‘protocol’ (rules and restrictions) and that control needs to be held by someone deserving of it. Just because you’ve traded 50 messages with SirDomlyFuck  (or MistressDommelyFuck for that matter), doesn’t mean you actually know anything real about them. M/s and D/s relationships are only healthy when there is a high level of trust, and the reality is that you can’t, or rather shouldn’t, start off at that high level. Trust between all partners needs to be built from a base level and increased over time. Anyone demanding a high level of commitment or trust right from the get go is someone you should think twice about being in a relationship with. Remember that there are some people out there that don’t have your best interest in mind. Check out this writing on ‘red flags’ for some other things to consider when deciding whether or not to forge a relationship with someone (or while in a relationship for that matter!)

There is no ‘one true way’! From time to time you might run into someone proclaiming that they know the way things should be done, or citing ‘old leather tradition’ as the real way that you do something. Sure, there’s something to be said for tradition…but there is no one way. There might be one way that works for that person, but there are many people, and all will have a different set of wants and needs. What is right for one person may not be right for someone else.

Keep your ears, eyes, and mind open! As you begin to explore kink, you’ll have the chance to see all kinds of things you probably haven’t even thought of before. Some of it may seem wonderful, and some of it may seem weird. As mentioned in the last section, what appeals to one person may not appeal to you. Just keep in mind that it doesn’t make what that person is into wrong! If you keep your eyes open, and take the time to listen to people that have experienced other types of play that you haven’t had a desire to try…you may suddenly find that you DO have a desire to explore it!

If you’re looking for more tips on how to explore kink, check out these two posts about how to explore as a Top/Dominant, and how to explore as a bottom/submissive!